Physical Pain.

I miss you so much, you don't even know.  I'm beginning to wonder if I ever even cross your mind...  It seems like you're much better off without me, like you don't miss me at all.  It's like I'm your shameful mistake, and you can't stand to see me anymore, as you always seem to walk away whenever I'm near.  I don't know how to fix this, it seems almost impossible, I suppose only God can now.  You have to know that I would blame myself.  That makes it hurt all the more though.


Everything about you makes me happy, and to lose my best friend makes me cry on more than one occasion.  Barely anyone knows, and I'm trying desperately hard to hide it from you.  Put on a smile, and act like everything is okay, because I can't hurt you more, in letting you know how much I'm in pain.

I can feel it, more and more acute... a physical pain stemming from an emotional hurt.



I think back to times like Thanksgiving, where you missed me so much, after not talking for a simple three days.  And now, willingly and contently, speaking only as brief as possible, not more than you have to, whenever we're around.  And never replying, to our long line of conversation, which has now been nearly three weeks since you last read what I said, or felt it joyful to write a reply.

What am I saying?  It's late, and my OCD is terribly awful, preventing me from even saying things how I want to say them.  It disturbs my mind, and rattles my intentions...

Is there anything I can do, to make things okay?  Could we start back from ground one, and somehow get somewhere?

I miss you...

Oh, I Think I'm Breaking Down...

Yup... I've cried a few times.  Just thinking about you, and how much you used to care about me.. and how now it feels like all of your appreciation for me has turned, now, to resentment.  I still love you, as much as I always have and of course no less.  It's too hard to think about you, and how much you used to love back.

Psh... Me??

I remember you said that you didn't want me to feel depressed.  I forced a fake laugh, and cheerfully said "Psh, Me?  Noo... don't worry about that..", trying my best not to lie, but to still try and deceive you into thinking I'd take it better then I knew I would.

Even in saying that, I knew there was no alternative.  Depressed is what I am now, but I won't tell you that.

Maybe in the future, when things are far better or completely worse...

Then I might reveal to you, the things..

That, I can't say now....

Because when it all comes down to it.. I used to tell you everything.  And now that you're gone, I had to find a vent.  And I could never tell you now, what I'm writing about tonight.  It would counteract my purpose, in trying to make things light.

Right now, it's just this. A simple blog that no one knows about, and might not ever see.. It's the only place to write about, my painful agonies...

My thoughts are scattered, but who can see?  I'm alone in my lonely miseries..

I can only hope, things will get better, and that you'll again long to talk to me.

The hardest part, through each day, is that while I miss you, I don't feel you feel the same...
I long to talk to you, but you seem to be glad in refrain.

I do believe this is all my fault, and I will take the blame.

Miss You Terribly...

I thought I was handling this well, at the birth of my misconception.  I suppose I didn't realize, how much things would change.   In my naive nature, I thought then hoped that things would remain sort of the same.   But as time goes on, and the distance increases... I cry more, then I ever thought I would.  Each day that goes by, I check for an answer.  And hour after hour, remaining, still, unanswered... I begin to feel, as if tears are always there, just ready to burst.  At any given moment, I can cry without a thought.  But the truth of that though, the reality there, is that it's the thought which triggers it, reminding me that I miss you terribly.

I'm Fine.

   How Am I?

Oh, it just feels like I was stabbed in the heart by a red hot knife, which then proceeded to spew molten metal all throughout my insides...

It feels like my stomach burst open and dumped acid all over my heart...

I never even thought it was possible to feel this much physically, from an emotional hurt...

Yeah, I'm fine.

     Welcome to my story:  From the inner thoughts of my mind, to the comical things that happen throughout the day, to unspoken feelings that pour out in secret, this is where you'll find a lot of me and who I am.  So grab a cup of coffee on a rainy day, and make sure you stop and listen to the silence every now and then.